July 9th 2010 Evening Edition

OK, so I am out taking a short walk with my 6mo old son, Lucian, this evening to go check the mail. As I'm walking I'm watching these people drive by me. I know I'm not the most gorgeous woman in the world, but one couple actually laughed in my face! I have seen people that I don't care to look at, I don't laugh at them though, maybe secretly in my mind, but never to their face. People seem to fail to understand that a simple derogatory laugh can destroy a person. Not me, but that's because I am stronger than that, but it sure does sting. I don't have the means to look like I just walked out of the department store. I don't have the means to even look like I live a decent life. No, I look like I just walked out of the trailer park. No offense to those of you who live in one, I used to as well. But you know what I'm talking about. Those that could care less what they look like to everyone else. The ones that are happy with their life to look like trash, live in trash, and not give 2 squirts of piss what anyone else thinks. I used to not care like that, but I have been rethinking my life a lot lately.

After having Lucian, I have gained a few pounds. It doesn't help that I have a very attentive and pampering husband either. I know what I need to do, but I don't know how to do it. I want to exercise, but I want it to be fun. I want to talk long walks with my husband, son, and dogs like we used to before Lucian got here, but the husband works too late, Lucian can't be in the sun, and the dogs are hard to handle with a stroller. Sounds like a shit load of excuses to me, but hey, if it can't happen, it can't... right?

I also know that I need a new wardrobe. None of my pants fit from before pregnancy. Not one pair. I have 2 pairs of jeans and NO shorts. One of those pairs of jeans are my maternity pants. I'm no longer pregnant, I shouldn't have to wear them. People are laughing at me because of how I look and there is not one god damned thing I can do about it. I want to look nice, I want to make people turn their heads and gawk at me. I want the attention, I crave it. But I can't make it happen. Why? MONEY. I don't have it. I won't have it for some time. AND IT DRIVES ME NUTS.

So, why is it that they laugh? Why is it that I care when I have a husband at home? Why is it that we all rely on money so much that we let it run our lives? Is it really a myth when they say 'money can't buy happiness'? Hm, I guess we have a lot to think about.